Music
Music has always been my expression.
I’ve always used it in some way to relieve my feelings or express my emotions.
I have so much music, so many songs to listen to. They match my mood, pick me up, help me out.
When things are rough… I write music.
When things are happy… I write music.
I’m not that good at it and I’m not that talented but it let’s me express so much.
It also lets me say things that I would otherwise be too afraid to say.
Lately though… I haven’t been able to write anything. I’m continually disappointed in everything that comes out. I haven’t been able to express anything. It goes hand in hand with how I’ve felt about so many things. Again, this is a plea of depression or anything like that. I’m happy. I’ve been through a lot, but I’m happy. I’m just a little shaken up I guess. It’s like I don’t have the ability to feel much. Well maybe not that extreme but maybe I’m just blocking my emotions because I’ve had them trampled on so much before.
I’m hoping the music will come back. I kind of really need it.
September 26, 2011 at 3:46 am
Hey there,
I know what you mean. I used to write and play every single day. I remember one time a good friend of my family was killed in a car accident. The night that I found out I was sitting in my room and listened to the rain falling on our roof. I looked out the window and saw the wind howling, the sky was dark, and everything was dripping wet. It made me think that this was the night that God cried. I cried. It was there that I picked up my guitar and wrote a song about that person. It made me get out the emotions that i was feeling. Since then there have been so many times when I’ve sat when I was happy, sad, or angry about something and either pounded it out on the piano or guitar until I was satisfied.
Sometimes the music came first, and then the lyrics or vice versa. I’m not that good at it either, but I know what you mean and how you feel. It’s just relieving in some way to get it all out in music that expresses so much of what I can’t say in words really.
I can totally relate to what you mean by being afraid. to speak how you feel. People use to ask me all the time to speak up front in church, but I was always terrible with words, and being in front of a crowd of people made me want to seriously vomit. Exactly something that you wanted to know right? Lol! There was so much that I wanted to say to everyone about how I felt about God, how I felt about loving each and everyone of them but I was too afraid. Anyway to make a long story shorter (although I’ve made it pretty long already haha) i was able to choose songs to sing that really said it all about how I was feeling without feeling being afraid of saying it. I don’t know if that just made any sense at all.
Yes and more yes. I can so totally relate to not being able to write anything. In fact, I just sat and started playing my guitar a couple weeks ago. I haven’t played in years, sadly. Despite that fact I haven’t written music in forever. The last song I wrote was at xmas time when I went to visit my folks. My relationship was basically already falling apart and just didn’t know what to do. So I sat down at the piano and just started writing on a piece of paper how I felt. That turned into making it into a poem, and then I just felt the music coming. After that song the song writing has basically died. I don’t know why. I haven’t been able to figure it out.
Totally understand about being trampled on a lot. It’s hard to feel anything when all you can feel is numbness. I’ve felt that way pretty much every sing day over the last few weeks. This whole separation thing has at times shaken my faith, made me wonder who I really am at times, and other times made me feel like I have come out of this a little bit stronger too. Weird how that works.
But through it all I know that whatever we are experiencing the music will come back. It’s got to because it’s definitely in my soul. There isn’t one day that I don’t go without listening to music. Which reminds me just now, my brother has this christian television program that he helps to direct. He asked me to write a song for a video and I have no clue as to where to start. I too am hoping the music comes soon, because I need it. Lol! Until then I won’t stop playing. I think that’s the reason I love music when it comes to composing. It sings to it’s own clock and nobody else.
It sounds like you’ve been hit pretty hard from all sides with a lot of different things including love. Don’t let this discourage you, but empower you to write a song about what you’ve learned about love. It will come. Don’t worry. =)
January 24, 2012 at 9:47 pm
This is going to sound strange, but just so you know that there is no confusion as to why I may have showed up on the list of people that visited your site yesterday. I haven’t looked at your blog since last year and didn’t feel compelled too either. Someone has been following me on my blog and was trying to figure out who it was and your blog popped up from when I had commented a long time ago. No offense either way, but I’ve found where I needed to go and have always been moving forward. Your blog helped me move forward. Just thought I would let you know that so there is no wondering why I have suddenly showed up on your visitor list. Won’t be back but u did inspire me to pursue music a long way back, and know I’m going in that direction.
—Ashley
January 28, 2012 at 8:51 pm
Thanks for both of your comments. It’s really great to hear that you were able to find a little bit of help in what I wrote. It’s one of the nice things about blogging. It really lets people share and relate.
It’s amazing to hear that you’re pursuing your music. I know you said you wouldn’t be back, but it’d be great to hear how it is going for you and has continue to follow one of your passions.
If I don’t hear from you again, good luck with your music and everything else you have going in your life =)
You’re always welcome to read my blog and I do hope to hear from you again some time.
January 28, 2012 at 11:47 pm
Oh dear! How embarrassing! You deserve an explanation of course, because it wasn’t exactly a very friendly comment now that I look back at it. You see, as humiliating as this is to admit I usually write on LINS (just google) and someone wrote on there about some blog and they didn’t want that person following or something and for some odd reason I “assumed” that since I had just visited there by accident that it had been you. I’m truly sorry.
I use LINS as a way to vent along with blogging. The nice thing about it is that there are so many other people who have been uplifting and encouraging.
How ridiculous of me. Quite foolish actually. I tend to overanalyze everything, which usually gets me into trouble.
Your blog really did help me through some tough times, and honestly your post about music inspired me to start up my music again. I just signed up for voice lessons. I have been singing since I was 10 but I’ve always been afraid to do it more even when people asked me to.
I chose other careers, because people told me that being a musician didn’t pay much, which in reality for a lot of people it doesn’t.
But on the other side I have always loved music. It’s been a huge part of me. I can’t even go anywhere without my ipod in my purse. I’ve finally stopped running from my fears of thinking that I might not be good enough, or my music might not suit someone else’s taste.
I finally realized that it’s not about me. It’s about the gift God’s given me to share with others. It’s about taking my life experiences and singing about something that I can relate to and hopefully something that others can be touched and moved by.
I’m not sure where it’s all going to take me, but I just know that it’s finally time to stop running and really give it my all with everything I have. It’s funny, because with everything that has happened to me in the past 3 years, I would definitely say that music has a new meaning for me. It’s like a book. With each passing page it becomes my story, my heart, and my song.
If I could really make it completely without having any other career I would just sing and compose music or write with other musicians. Looking through I’ve decided I need a back up plan, so I’m studying to work in the medical field as an LC. Already have my B.A. and just the other day I laughed to myself after thinking “haven’t you done this before?”
Contracting with someone else for work, school, and music is keeping me busy, but it doesn’t stop there. I went to Nepal last year and volunteered at a hospital in the OB. The need of the women and children struck a cord in my heart, and I want to go back and help them in some way. I thought hosting an international road bike race out there would maybe help to raise money for that hospital out there. Definitely it all sounds crazy and my life is going in so many different directions right now, that I’m not sure how all this is going to come together.
But bottom line is that I’m thankful to God for people like you who are driven…who inspire people like me to go out and make something of themselves. I saw how driven you were and it made me want to be like that. Thanks for without even knowing giving me the inspiration to face my fears.
Ashley