When my best isn’t good enough…

“Took me everything I had, to give all that I could”
~Flogging Molly

It’s kind of funny that this line just came on I was about to start writing about my best not being good enough haha.

Anyways…

So I’ve been battling myself lately… a battle of self-perceptions.  It seems that I don’t know how to look at myself anymore.  for about a month (actually just a day short of exactly a month) I’ve been dealing with a breakup and everything that comes after when two people are still in love.

Honestly, I know I’ve been so cynical about everything, but it’s because I’m trying a lot harder to protect myself.  In the process, however, I’ve put myself under an extremely critical light only to have the self-realization that my best… my unwavering love… my unconditional commitment… I don’t think it’s good enough.

True, I could probably give more, I could probably offer up more of myself, but I feel like this would be at the cost of who I am.  This being said, I feel like I’ve been giving her my best, yet it never seems good enough.  There are times when everything seems great, when everything I do seems to make her smile.  The random five second phone call just to say “I love you.”  Walking to her apartment, just to walk her back to mine so she doesn’t have to walk alone. All the little things that I try my hardest to always do.  When this happens, she’s always happy.  She’s always smiling and grateful, and I feel like everything I’ve given has paid off… she’s happy.

Then there are those times when it falls apart.  Sometimes I put my interests first so that I can enjoy doing something for myself… at these times it falls apart.  Everything good I’ve done doesn’t seem to matter anymore.  Now, I don’t do the good things so she’s recognizes them.  I do the good things because I care about her, because I want her to be happy.  But it always seems like she forgets how happy I make her whenever I slip up.  Suddenly my best isn’t good enough.  Suddenly she wants me to do this, she wants me to give up that.  I know that I make demands too, and I’m not saying I’m innocent, but I’ve given so much for so long, yet now I wonder to what avail?

She’s told me she’s amazed I still love her after all the things I do… it’s because I’m giving her my best. I’m giving her my all, every part of me.  She doesn’t realize that I’ve never done this for someone before.  Yet even though she says she amazed, when she’s not happy, she isn’t amazed… she’s just annoyed.  When she’s upset, my best isn’t good enough anymore.

I’m tired of being disappointed in myself just because she gets upset.

When my best isn’t good enough… is it time to just wrap it up? Is it time to just admit I’ll never be perfect?

 

I’m tired of feeling this way.  Something’s gotta change.

Suspenders

I’m caught watching the same video of my perform one of my songs over and over again.

These lines keep repeating over and over again in my head

So hold on take a step a back and tell me, do you like what you see?
Cus I know I’m not perfect, and you’re not easy to please.
So as I stumble through my words and I try to get it out but I don’t get heard
Let me say it one more time “I love you”… did you get those three words?

It all comes crashing down… and I will build it up

It’s been a long time since I’ve blogged… It’s been a long time since I’ve even known myself well enough to blog.

I’m not going to sit here and be all emo, but I will be real.  I will be myself.

Today my world came crashing down.

I spent a long time preparing for my LSAT… only to score well below what I wanted.  I’ve never been so disappointed with myself before.  I’ve lived my life with a complete tail of success.  I’ve never been rejected from anything that I applied to with serious effort.  I’ve never let myself down.  I spent the last 7 years of my life with my GPA never dropping below 4.00.  Yet at the start at this term I moved down to a 3.99.  Granted, on a normal 4.0 scale, I still have a 4.0, this was still a big hit to me.  I know to some of you, I may just sound conceded, but my grades are something that are important (not that they aren’t for you) and I’ve found requiem in my impeccable GPA.  Granted this was only a small slight… it’s just all gone down hill.

My LSAT score tore me about.  I’ve never felt like such a failure before, yet most people would be happy with the score I got.  But I only want the best for myself.  I want to go to the best law schools.  I want to stand out… but today… today I learned I’m not perfect.  I’m nothing special.  Today I felt like everything I’ve worked for academically is just a sham.

Then to make things worse, my ex-girlfriend made it clear where things were going tonight.  Reconciliation doesn’t seem to be in sight.  She can’t give me what I’ve asked for (which is just her not being so hard on me over the tiniest things).  Have you ever dedicated a year and 3 months to something to have it taken away?

I gave her all I could, yet maybe in the end, it was me that was the naive one…

I always thought that if I could give her my unconditional unending love and devotion, that it would bring about a change in her.  That the power of my emotion could ignite something in her.  I was wrong.

I made her my world… a world that has finally come tumbling down.

Now I stand in the remains.
Now I stand staring at the ruble of my life.

Friendships that I’ve neglected for so long
Studies that I haven’t dedicated myself to
Dreams that I’ve let fade
Hope that doesn’t see beyond tomorrow.
But enough is enough!

My world has crumbled and I have no one to blame but myself.  I have neglected some of the most valuable friendships of my life.  I have let my dreams die.  I have spoken harsh words to so many people, not because I want to, but because I lost sight of who I am, what I believe in.  I let my emotions get the better part of me.

But enough is enough!

I will build everything again.  It won’t be the same.  I won’t be the same.  I will find the me that I want to be.  I will find the things I love, find my passions.

I will find myself.  I will make myself.

Three years ago I wrote a mantra for my life… and I have failed myself every day.  I have failed to live up to my ideal.

So right now, I will say it, I will mean it.

I go to bed as the person I was, in order to wake up to become the person I want to be… a better me.

受不了

最近我甚麼都受不了….

it tears at me

it’s so hard

it’s tearing me apart

everything in my life just came to a sudden stop, it all slammed to a halt, nothing seems to be in line anymore

one of the biggest things that defines me… broken… i broke a 20 year promise to myself… and why? because i couldn’t handle any more pressure, because everyone just kept on insisting

one of the most important things in my life… a mystery… 9 months today of my full committment to her.  we’ve struggled through so much, faced so much. we’ve laughed at so much, we’ve enjoyed so much… and here it is now… standing at the crossroads

my confidence… lost… who am i? i’ve lost myself in all of this. am i really a horrible person? am i too hard on myself? what is it? what is it that keeps tearing me down?

i’m lazy

i’m dumb

i’m indecisive

i’m a bad friend

i’m a bad boyfriend

i’ve lost my potential

these are the thouhts that fill my mind

i’m weak now, weaker than i’ve ever been, but i have to hold myself up, because i can’t lean on anyone else

but the day continues, the light is still there, and there is always a brighter tomorrow

it’s nighttime now, i just have to buckle down, and figure out what to do to pull the sun up

time to put my smile back on, time to pull through til tomorrow

天黑黑

I’ve lost track of myself lately

I don’t really know what I’m doing, and I can’t make up my mind about anything.

I’ve been fighting myself for almost 3 months now.  I’ve lost track of the person I am, of the things I believe in, of the things I want.

I’ve learned so much about myself, and yet discovered so many things I just can’t quite understand.

Now of my thoughts are complete, and I’m getting lazy with things again… I need to pull myself together, but I just don’t really know how to do that.

Recently, everything’s really mirky.

just like that

it’s amazing how fast 82 hours can just fly by

24 hours ago i was holding her in my arms making sure she was alright while she was sick

and now, just like that, she’s gone

i can’t even reach my hand out to touch her

i miss her a lot

we’ve got a lot going on, and we’ve both said so much, and things are working out for the best right now, we’ll just keep watching how things go

she’s my baby, my girl, and she always will be, she’s the girl that gives me a happiness that you can only feel with someone you truly care about

i just have to hope her feelings match her words

i believe what she says, but i know they can change, so i’ll just have to wait and see how it all unfolds and hope that she is enjoying her time with her new beginning in japan

i just hope she knows that on the other side of that big blue ocean is a guy walking around with her always in his heart

dial tone

she hung up the phone cus she had to, she has to get ready for school

I can’t put the phone down, it’s still right next to my  ear

It’s just the dial tone…

I can’t put the phone down

her world

When her world isn’t great I only want it to be great.

I know I won’t always be the one to make her life better, her friends will always be there too.  Of course I want to be the one to make her life great, but if I can’t I hope someone else can.

The times when I don’t make things better are hard, because it makes me feel like I’m not a good boyfriend, but I know this isn’t true.

I just want her world to perfect especially when I’m so far away and can’t be there to make it better.  It’s so hard to do it from this far away, but I’ll keep doing everything I can so things can be great for her.  Her world is more important than my own, because the only way for mine to be happy, is for hers to be happy too.

Where will I find…

Where will I find the strength…

I don’t know

But time is running out and I need to find it soon